huge playground - that's this planet

World is a huge playground and life is a very short game. Sometimes, it can be a simple monologue too…
I have never thought that I will be put in such a critical situation.
I had always felt proud when I say "I am engaged", or when Mukherjee mocks me "You are engaged"…It was fun and enjoyable. Now it has turned out to be a real fun and a joke for my life.
Tell me, in this world, is money so important? Is beauty so important? Is status so important ? Is appearance and education so important ?
Isn’t love must in life? Everything else is secondary for me. Love and nature are the strings of my life, letting out music then and there, giving me immense pleasure.
I had always wanted to live this life with him. Unfortunately things have made me feel blank and inert, inert to almost all the essential emotions of life.
I would not bother if I am not getting married at all.
I would not bother if I am losing my single parent.
I would not bother if my house catches fire.
I would not bother if my sister doesn’t have a baby at all.
I would not bother if my grandma passes away.
I would not bother for anything of the above sort.
But I cannot stop myself feeling emotional
When…
The street dog that sleeps in our corridor dies…
When someone drops waste without any guilty feeling in the street…
When the chicken gives out the last cry for life in the butcher shop…
When I see the photograph of dead birds in the newspaper, died out of oil spills…
When I see the photograph of a poached tusker in the Sanctuary Asia…
When I hear the crackers from the nearby cultivations as a result of human-elephant conflict…
When I feel myself capable of nothing, even when I see a man troubling a young girl…
When I listen to some affecting songs…
When I find my fingers numb holding the strings of my violin after seven years and still couldn’t bring back my strokes and bows…
I am feeling very blank… like the blank internet page with the most affecting word "Done" at the bottom of the page.
Sometimes helplessness gives a lot of courage.
He is very supportive. I was madly in love with him once, but now I am feeling very affectionate towards him, but I can no more feel that mad love once I felt for him. I think I have become very hard and tough.
I had been having some strange experiences in the past one month, which I cannot describe in a non-private blog.
Those set of strange experiences have changed my personal feelings about the surrounding world to a great extent. I have learnt a lot of things out of the last few months. SACON has been a professional sting for me; however I had personally enjoyed stay in SACON.
Last month, I slept under the moon, in the cold night, heard words from many people in different scales, which were tuned for me to listen.
I heard the silence of the lonely night with the dense depth of what is the meaning of being lonely mentally?
I never understood why I can like a person who is partially towards my expectations and partially just opposite to my expectations?
I never understood why I should sit with friends who work for conservation, still throw litter in the road?
I never understood why I should have dinner with them, when I knew I can have only the parotta which I hate the most?
I never understood why I should date with a guy who has never taken me even once to a vegetarian restaurant at all, though he knows that I am a vegetarian?
I never understood why I eat things I never liked; even now I don’t like them, but enjoyed them because they all liked them?
I never understood why I did many other things, when I simply knew that I won’t get them forever in life?
I never understood why I was in need of a friend, when I cannot accept the person as a friend?
I never understood why I am ready to accept a person, when that person is considering all this as a joke, when that person is not ready to recognize it in front of other stupid human beings…
I am suffering now out of desperation!
I am suffering now because my engagement has been cancelled and made invalid!
I am suffering because I had already started feeling blank about these relationships!
I am suffering now because I cannot blame any one except me, I cannot ask for anyone’s support!
I have started finding remedies for this suffering, I got to help myself.
As of now, the only ray of hope I have is my career. I got to finish this MS with full concentration and involvement. Find myself a good position. Help each other.
I think I should discuss many things with him.
Things those are important to me. I need freedom to choose things. He gives me a lot of freedom, but somewhere I feel that I am tuned.
I need complete professional and personal independence.
I have got a call letter for the interview for Tiger project. I had a dilemma about choosing it.
I don’t want to go to Singapore when I am in a position to get money from my mother, the great. Let me wait till the Bharat petroleum answers me about the scholarships.
I am still feeling blank.
It is sometimes good to feel blank.
I hope these hard days pass away soon and I will be soon mentally prepared to serve the purpose to the planet I am living in.
Death is not far away, maybe maximum 50 years? I should do something to this planet before that, so I got to hurry up! So what should I do now?
Go and read something useful, instead of registering negative thoughts like this!
When I started this blog, I was so happy, I was feeling strong, I was like having my first kid, because there was lot of privacy.
Now, I am feeling sorry that I should register such negative feelings, and affect the reader (if at all there is a reader)
I have more or less started using this blog as a personal diary, I used to have a digital diary from Diaryland. Later I couldn’t maintain two sites at the same time.
Okay my room is getting very hot, it is 96 F these days.
Anyhow the weather forecast has given some hope by telling that there is some possibility for showers.
After I reread my blog, I only feel like laughing, but it is a great relief after writing something that has been worrying you for a longtime.
Now I am really feeling very much relieved, in fact I can feel some mad love for him too (sometimes girls can get too hornyJ)
I am relaxed now and get back to that article on "Sustainable development"
Bye then I am happy such a blog exists, it helps me to develop in a sustainable J way.